Typing One Handed

Parenting is a game where only the kids know the rules.

And the Winner Is… December 24, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kelly Jo @ 12:46 pm

Congratulations Molly!  With a guess of 741 emails, you are the winner!

I came back to work this morning with 792 emails waiting to be read.  Although most of them were not read (my delete button is quite tired right now).  The important ones are mostly still waiting (currently filed on my mental to-do list titled “I’m far too tired to deal with this many emails”).  There should have been at least a couple hundred more, I’m sure, but pretty much all of September’s emails were deleted for me.  They only get to sit unread in the system for so long.  But that, of course, works to Molly’s advantage!

I hope you enjoyed participating in my mini-giveaway.  It was fun to have so many people stop by my blog, I hope if you were a new visitor you will feel free to look around and come back by again.  In fact, you really should, because come the new year there will be bigger and better prizes to be won!

I am going to take a couple days off here, I figure you would rather spend the holidays with your family than reading about mine (although I can’t figure out why, my family is delightful!).  Make sure to come back on Sunday to find out what’s for dinner on Monday.

And have yourself a merry little Christmas!

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Adventures in Diaper Changing December 22, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kelly Jo @ 10:44 am

If you spend a significant amount of time around babies then you are no stranger to poop knuckle.  You know, when you are changing a dirty diaper and a baby wiggle causes a hand slip, causing a knuckle to hit the poop- poop knuckle.  This action is generally followed by cries of disgust, hasty diaper changing, and vigorous hand washing in the hottest water you can tolerate.  Unless you are gross, then you skip that last step.  Anyway…

The morning started out normally enough.  We got up, Kelly took Zoey to daycare, I put on the coffee.  While waiting to see if the baby would finish sleeping before the coffee finished brewing I decided to check my email.  As usual, SITS (hey SITStahs!) had sent me a link to the featured blogger of the day.

Let me tell you, today is a goodie!  I was laughing out loud by the time the coffee was ready.  (And Maya was still sleeping- score!)  I had just finished having a good laugh at Momedy’s expense (do yourself a favor and read this when you’re done here) when the baby woke.

After Maya ate I could tell that it was definitely time to change her diaper.  It was that tell-tale mix of smell+warmth+feeling the sensation of a small explosion against your arm.  Yes, definitely diaper time.

The process started normally enough.  Open jammies, unfasten diaper, be shocked that my tiny little girl is able to produce this, gasp and hold my breath, gather up enough strength to finish without passing out, grab a baby wipe and get this over with.  I was being careful- it was just too early for poop knuckle.  My left hand had a firm control around her ankles.  I had her bottom elevated enough so it would not dip down onto the diaper, necessitating a repeat of the process, this also keeps my hand from doing the same.  And then it happened…

I only wish it were poop knuckle.

First came the gas, then came the poo.  It flew out like her bum was a sawed-off shotgun.

And all the fragments landed on my face.

I felt like that kid on Slumdog Millionaire.  I know my whole body wasn’t covered in poop, but when it is on your face it’s about the same.  When you are rubbing several baby wipes over your face and they’re turning yellowish-brown it feels that way.

Today I praise God that for once in my life my mouth was closed.  The poop didn’t get in, and the vomit didn’t get out.

I quickly finished that diaper change and passed Maya off to my husband.  I immediately jumped into the hottest shower I could manage (I’m pretty sure there are now burns on my body from the scalding temperature of the water). I scrubbed my face like it had never been scrubbed before.  Wash face, exfoliate, repeat.  And repeat.  I still don’t feel clean.

The good news?  If there was any doubt left that I was done having kids, that doubt is now gone.  I will be calling my OBGYN promptly to see if, in addition to an IUD, he will put me on Norplant and the pill.  And remove my uterus.  When there is poop on your face that seals the deal- THIS SHOP IS CLOSED.

In the meantime, I feel I have earned the right to run my errands sans baby today.  My husband doesn’t yet know this is the plan, and by the time he reads this I will be gone.

But if you will please excuse me now, I need to go wash my face again.

 

The Toilet Seat Cover Capers December 5, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kelly Jo @ 11:25 am

Remember when I told you that I may occasionally repost an old favorite?  Well today is one of those days.  My girls and I are picking up my mom and heading to Seattle to attend my sister’s baby shower.  I don’t have enough time to write out a blog before I leave, so you can enjoy (or re-enjoy, if that is the case) an old favorite from October of 2006.  Not only was this before I had kids, but it was before I even knew I wanted kids.  Hard to believe that was only three short years ago.

Enjoy.

I am a big fan of all the automatic appliances in bathrooms these days.

Kelly and I went down to Redding, CA over the weekend to go to his college homecoming weekend.  This is about a seven hour drive, so we take a few breaks along the way.  That’s right, a few.  Any of you who have taken long car trips with me know that I only stop when I need to pump gas.  You better pee now because we won’t stop again for another three hundred miles, that’s what my passengers hear.  So a few stops is a lot for me.  Anyway, one of the stops we made was at the Seven Feathers Casino just south of Roseburg, OR.  When I went to use the restroom I was delighted to see that they had automatic everything, including the soap dispensers.  This is great- you don’t see too many of those!  Hooray for cleanliness!

I went into the stall and pulled out one of the paper butt protector things.  No sooner had I laid it down, the automatic flusher goes off and sucks it away!  Well, shoot.  I’m not about to sit down bare, so we’ll just try this again.  Remove butt guard, place on toilet seat.  Success!  OK, now all I have to do is undo my belt. “Whooosh” taunts the flusher, sucking away the butt guard as I only lift my hand to my belt buckle.  What the? Well what do they want me to do?  Pee with my pants on?  That just doesn’t make any sense!

I don’t think I want to put this picture in your head.  In order to finish the story without you being too grossed out, lets picture someone beautiful in this situation.  My husband is quite fond of Keira Knightly, so we’ll go with her.

Imagine Keira Knightly now has lost two paper protectors to the wrath of the automatic flusher.  Picture Keira Knightly trapped in a bathroom stall, desperately needing to relieve her bladder, but not sure how to outwit that wiley flusher.  Now picture Keira Knightly making all of the movements of preparation for this event while trying to keep clear of the sensor.  Leaning over the sensor line, reaching her arms up then arching them around to clear it.  Now, imagine that Keira Knightly wasn’t tall and graceful, but instead short and clumsy, and this story should be hilarious.

Well, I both safely and successfully used the restroom at the casino.  It took some fancy workings, but I outsmarted that flusher!  Hah stupid toilet, take that!  I get up to go, but refuse to leave the stall until the flushing is finished.  Hey, how come it isn’t flushing?  I wave my hand in front of the sensor.  Is this a joke?  Flush, FLUSH!!!!

You can’t make this stuff up people.