Typing One Handed

Parenting is a game where only the kids know the rules.

Adventures in Diaper Changing December 22, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kelly Jo @ 10:44 am

If you spend a significant amount of time around babies then you are no stranger to poop knuckle.  You know, when you are changing a dirty diaper and a baby wiggle causes a hand slip, causing a knuckle to hit the poop- poop knuckle.  This action is generally followed by cries of disgust, hasty diaper changing, and vigorous hand washing in the hottest water you can tolerate.  Unless you are gross, then you skip that last step.  Anyway…

The morning started out normally enough.  We got up, Kelly took Zoey to daycare, I put on the coffee.  While waiting to see if the baby would finish sleeping before the coffee finished brewing I decided to check my email.  As usual, SITS (hey SITStahs!) had sent me a link to the featured blogger of the day.

Let me tell you, today is a goodie!  I was laughing out loud by the time the coffee was ready.  (And Maya was still sleeping- score!)  I had just finished having a good laugh at Momedy’s expense (do yourself a favor and read this when you’re done here) when the baby woke.

After Maya ate I could tell that it was definitely time to change her diaper.  It was that tell-tale mix of smell+warmth+feeling the sensation of a small explosion against your arm.  Yes, definitely diaper time.

The process started normally enough.  Open jammies, unfasten diaper, be shocked that my tiny little girl is able to produce this, gasp and hold my breath, gather up enough strength to finish without passing out, grab a baby wipe and get this over with.  I was being careful- it was just too early for poop knuckle.  My left hand had a firm control around her ankles.  I had her bottom elevated enough so it would not dip down onto the diaper, necessitating a repeat of the process, this also keeps my hand from doing the same.  And then it happened…

I only wish it were poop knuckle.

First came the gas, then came the poo.  It flew out like her bum was a sawed-off shotgun.

And all the fragments landed on my face.

I felt like that kid on Slumdog Millionaire.  I know my whole body wasn’t covered in poop, but when it is on your face it’s about the same.  When you are rubbing several baby wipes over your face and they’re turning yellowish-brown it feels that way.

Today I praise God that for once in my life my mouth was closed.  The poop didn’t get in, and the vomit didn’t get out.

I quickly finished that diaper change and passed Maya off to my husband.  I immediately jumped into the hottest shower I could manage (I’m pretty sure there are now burns on my body from the scalding temperature of the water). I scrubbed my face like it had never been scrubbed before.  Wash face, exfoliate, repeat.  And repeat.  I still don’t feel clean.

The good news?  If there was any doubt left that I was done having kids, that doubt is now gone.  I will be calling my OBGYN promptly to see if, in addition to an IUD, he will put me on Norplant and the pill.  And remove my uterus.  When there is poop on your face that seals the deal- THIS SHOP IS CLOSED.

In the meantime, I feel I have earned the right to run my errands sans baby today.  My husband doesn’t yet know this is the plan, and by the time he reads this I will be gone.

But if you will please excuse me now, I need to go wash my face again.


9 Responses to “Adventures in Diaper Changing”

  1. Sara Says:

    Oh my gosh Kelly! I laughed so hard at this! I was having trouble imagining “poop knuckle” as I’m pretty sure I’ve only gotten it on me once in six months but the rest was just… I don’t even know the word for it. I am glad for you that your mouth was indeed closed.

  2. Kisha Floren Says:

    I don’t think I even need to go to the OB anymore, my uterus just closed up shop by itself after hearing that story:)

  3. Holly Says:

    Thank you Kelly! You made me laugh out loud with your blog today! I think all of us Mommys totally get it!! Good luck with your errand running all by yourself!! You earned it!

  4. Jordan Says:

    Oh my gosh Kel…I was laughing so hard, then I tried to explain why I was laughing to my co-worker and all that came out was more laughter. Sorry you got pooped on.

    • Traci Says:

      ME TOO! I laughed so hard out loud that I ended up explaining the entire story to the sales team. Kelly definitely made things more interesting (and more enjoyable) around my workplace today! Keep up the great stories, Kel!

      • Kelly Jo Says:

        (Here is where I shamelessly promote myself) Feel free to pass my link on to your co-workers (or anyone else, for that matter) if they want to take a look!

  5. All I can say is “EEEEEWWWWW!” And then, “Thank God that Evan never did that!” Not only did you earn the right to run errands sans baby, but you also should get a Venti Starbucks (or Tully’s) today!

  6. Karina Says:

    I feel so lucky that I was the one you chose to run errands with 🙂 I only wish you hadn’t gone through that this morning 😦 so sorry!

  7. OMG I am SO sorry! That is NOT a way to start the day, or the way to start anything for that matter! Ironically, I was just thinking about if we should be “done” or not since we got news from the doctor that we have to wait until the end of July before we can start trying again. I really wonder if we will want to start all over again with a 4 year old…. so many things for me to ponder these days.

    As always, thanks for the laugh and the cry (I would be crying if I were you) 🙂 I hope we can get together after Christmas. I need girl time!!

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