If you spend a significant amount of time around babies then you are no stranger to poop knuckle. You know, when you are changing a dirty diaper and a baby wiggle causes a hand slip, causing a knuckle to hit the poop- poop knuckle. This action is generally followed by cries of disgust, hasty diaper changing, and vigorous hand washing in the hottest water you can tolerate. Unless you are gross, then you skip that last step. Anyway…
The morning started out normally enough. We got up, Kelly took Zoey to daycare, I put on the coffee. While waiting to see if the baby would finish sleeping before the coffee finished brewing I decided to check my email. As usual, SITS (hey SITStahs!) had sent me a link to the featured blogger of the day.
Let me tell you, today is a goodie! I was laughing out loud by the time the coffee was ready. (And Maya was still sleeping- score!) I had just finished having a good laugh at Momedy’s expense (do yourself a favor and read this when you’re done here) when the baby woke.
After Maya ate I could tell that it was definitely time to change her diaper. It was that tell-tale mix of smell+warmth+feeling the sensation of a small explosion against your arm. Yes, definitely diaper time.
The process started normally enough. Open jammies, unfasten diaper, be shocked that my tiny little girl is able to produce this, gasp and hold my breath, gather up enough strength to finish without passing out, grab a baby wipe and get this over with. I was being careful- it was just too early for poop knuckle. My left hand had a firm control around her ankles. I had her bottom elevated enough so it would not dip down onto the diaper, necessitating a repeat of the process, this also keeps my hand from doing the same. And then it happened…
I only wish it were poop knuckle.
First came the gas, then came the poo. It flew out like her bum was a sawed-off shotgun.
And all the fragments landed on my face.
I felt like that kid on Slumdog Millionaire. I know my whole body wasn’t covered in poop, but when it is on your face it’s about the same. When you are rubbing several baby wipes over your face and they’re turning yellowish-brown it feels that way.
Today I praise God that for once in my life my mouth was closed. The poop didn’t get in, and the vomit didn’t get out.
I quickly finished that diaper change and passed Maya off to my husband. I immediately jumped into the hottest shower I could manage (I’m pretty sure there are now burns on my body from the scalding temperature of the water). I scrubbed my face like it had never been scrubbed before. Wash face, exfoliate, repeat. And repeat. I still don’t feel clean.
The good news? If there was any doubt left that I was done having kids, that doubt is now gone. I will be calling my OBGYN promptly to see if, in addition to an IUD, he will put me on Norplant and the pill. And remove my uterus. When there is poop on your face that seals the deal- THIS SHOP IS CLOSED.
In the meantime, I feel I have earned the right to run my errands sans baby today. My husband doesn’t yet know this is the plan, and by the time he reads this I will be gone.
But if you will please excuse me now, I need to go wash my face again.