Typing One Handed

Parenting is a game where only the kids know the rules.

Lying as an Artform December 16, 2009

Filed under: holidays,kids — Kelly Jo @ 11:37 am

I have a little problem.  It’s not exactly a a bad problem, the only person it adversely effects is me.

I am a terrible liar.

I used to think I was so smart and getting away with so much.  I know now that pretty much everyone can read me like a book.

“Do you like my new hair cut Kelly?” ” Um, yeah, uh, it looks, uh, like, um, really good.” Convincing, I know.

Normally I just deal with it- I tell the truth.  Or I don’t comment on your new haircut.  (Which probably half the time I don’t notice anyway.  So if I didn’t comment on your new haircut you have at least a 50/50 chance I just didn’t notice- which is also probably kind of offensive, so nevermind.)  The problem is that at Christmas you kind of have to lie when you have little kids.  Oh you didn’t get the memo?  Santa is fiction, don’t tell the kids.

Truth be told, I don’t really care whether or not my kids believe in Santa.  However, I do care a great deal about what people I hardly know think of me, so I don’t want the other daycare moms to hate me for letting my kids ruin their kids’ Christmas.  Because of this, we go ahead and have a lot of talk about good ol’ St. Nick around here.

This year isn’t too bad.  I asked Zoey what she wants Santa to bring her and she said “Cupcakes!”  Cool.  Santa/mommy can easily pull that off, and the legend of Santa remains.  I asked her if she knows what Maya wants, and she tells me Maya wants a blue present.  Homemade blue burp cloth (singular), done.  Get busy little elves.

At what age though, will she be asking Santa for something I can’t afford, like a 60″ HDTV, or something I don’t want her to have, like a Red Rider BB gun? (Nice.)  Bad example, I would be proud if she asked for that.  Lets go with anything Hannah Montana.  That girl drives me nuts!  And even worse, what if she asks for both?  How on earth will I be able to spin a good  lie as to why Santa didn’t bring her these things?  If I could type a response, it would be easy.

“Oh Zoey, since we have a gas fireplace we don’t have a chimney.  Santa has to take a special route because of that, and he can’t get that big a package in through the way he comes.  Is there something a little smaller you’d like instead?”  (I know, that was good.  You should totally use that.)

However, my spoken response would sound something like this.  “Oh Zoey.  You see, well, what I’m trying to say, um, chimney, uh… too fat.  No.  Well, OK.”  By the way, I WILL be blushing furiously during this response.  And then I will have to see my child’s heartbroken face when she ends up with a mere plate of cupcakes.

It was so much easier when this was how she felt about Santa (Christmas '08).

So what do you do when lying is not an option?  I guess I will start by apologizing that my kids ruined your kids’ Christmas.  I hope the daycare moms are reading this.  (I had to apologize to a daycare mom last year when at the Christmas party her son said “Mommy, can I play with my new toy before Zoey starts chewing on it?”)

Or I suppose I could put my selfishness aside and get her the Hannah Montana at the sake of my remaining sanity.  I could also stop spending money so frivolously on things like the mortgage and groceries so that she may have these important gifts.

I guess the best option would just be to start practicing now.  I guess that means that my New Year’s resolution will be to lie more.

By the way, I LOVE your new haircut!


3 Responses to “Lying as an Artform”

  1. Jordan Says:


    I can take care of the cupcakes!

  2. Sara Says:

    I get a dent in my forehead when I lie. I wasn’t really pleased when my mom told Guy about this when we were dating. A girl needs a couple secrets.

  3. I can totally relate to this one. Nevaeh is all about Santa this year and it is all my fault. I bought her the Veggie Tales St. Nicholas DVD, which in itself has a great message, but all Nevaeh see’s is SANTA. Maybe next year we can work on this more, but until then she will be getting the train set she asked for. 🙂 Thanks for always bringing a laugh to my day! Love you!

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